I don't need to flirt, I will seduce you with my clumsiness ; )

Klutz. Yes, that is me. MAJOR klutz. I trip over my own feet daily. I want to believe I meet the floor gracefully, but I know that's not the case. I still maintain that chairs and shoes are simply bullies out to get me. I know exactly where I leave things on the floor and work out a maze to get through it... doesn't always work, obviously someone moves things around...

It's important to note... I have a strange fear of stairs. Well... not fear, but a paranoia for sure. More specifically I'm paranoid I will fall DOWN the stairs. EVERY single time I go down the stairs, I literally picture myself plummeting to the floor. Experience has taught me this fear, and quite appropriately I must say. I've fallen down a flight of stairs five times in my lifetime (that I can remember anyway). The first two times resulted in an eye patch, and then a leg brace. YOU try walking up and down four flights of stairs in a damn leg brace everyday! I managed to somehow escape death for years until I was about 5 months pregnant. I was rushing to a job interview and fell down, down, down...... I like to think I'm super mom, because the next time I fell was on the subway stairs while carrying my hummer of a stroller - I somehow managed to turn my body and have the stroller fall ON me. (But hooray, my nena was saved.) My last fall happened at work a few years ago, and that one was in front of a large group of people. >: /

Well today was noooo exception to the rule. You know how they say "don't text and drive"? Yea, well apparently there's a Mei Mei add-on: "don't text and walk." I crashed face first into the concrete wall in my apartment building. At the very least I stuck my arms out and spared myself any bruising. Fun, fun, fun!! Sad part?? It's because I "missed" the non existent step at the bottom of the stairs. To keep up the trend of face whacking, a bare tree branch bitch slapped me today too. And this in not my first altercation with tree branches mind you. I was backpacking in Idaho (yea, I know, Idaho...) and a tree branch almost took out my eye. I had to wear YET ANOTHER eye patch for the rest of that trip. It's no fun having someone tap you on the shoulder and you end up turning around in circles because you can't find them in your blind spot.

My clumsiness is not going anywhere I fear, so I embraced it along with my quirkiness. I like to think that it's a part of my charm... that maybe someone even finds it incredibly sexy! = D Yea, well, whatever...

Where did all the booze go?!

I can not seriously enough stress the PERFECT timing of Lent! There's a few things (notions, thoughts, people...) I NEED to let go of. I've been pretty self destructive and unhealthy lately, and very unhappy... and it caused others to become a bit tainted themselves. I will be the first to admit I haven't been thinking so clearly lately and have been rationalizing my bad behavior away. I can make a good argument for anything, especially when my pride refuses to let me admit I'm wrong. But yes, after very careful thinking I've come up with a vice list... eek. Without writing out the full list (can't share ALL my weaknesses!!) I've decided finally on alcohol... YES, ALL alcohol consumption. I was going to originally just go with wine, but come on... that's pretty weak. So for the next 46 days I will NOT drink any alcohol... *heavy breath out*

I toyed with the idea of soda, take out, shoe shopping or even Facebook. I seriously considered coffee for a while, but I also need to be tolerable over the next few weeks so that's a BIG, fat no no. I even contemplated swearing off men and all that that implies, but that's highly laughable... I figured God still wants me to find love = ) So yea, alcohol. My biggest challenge will probably be one of my best gal's bachelorette party and St. Patrick's Day (come on, I AM Irish after all!!). But I think it'll be good for me. A few weeks ago I swore off any self pity parties... and then just threw myself a HUGE week long bash that ended with a new tattoo. Not exactly therapeutic, I know. Sometimes you just want to numb the pain. After last week, I need to refocus on myself and I think not drinking will help de-cloud my thoughts. Although I must admit I LOVE my new tattoo. It's my third and definitively not my last. I got the phrase "alis volat propriis", which is Latin for "she flies with her own wings" done on my shoulder.

ANYWAY, if my daughter can give up her beloved Pop Tarts... I think I can manage this. Besides, the week after Easter I'm going to soaking up the sun in Caribbean anyway ; )

Who's thinking of YOU?

I've been rather nostalgic and reminiscent this week - losing something close to your heart has that effect on you. It makes you think of everything you have and don't have anymore. You get a sense of longing, as though you need to fill some empty space.

I broke out the yearbook and photo albums and just flipped through, thinking back to some of the best times of my life... and of course the most heartbreaking ones. I came across this one photo though that really caught my attention. In it I'm laughing, just with my friends doing nothing too special. But in the background is someone who is just watching our group. I don't mean in a creeper kind of way - It's almost like he's just curious or something. Like he's wondering what's so funny. Anyway, I don't recognize him at all. It makes me wonder how many people out there right now thinking of someone, and maybe that person doesn't even know it.

Sometimes we're so caught up in our own stuff that we just don't look around. Someone could be in love with you right now, or appreciate you because you changed their lives, or maybe is envious of you. Everyday we meet someone new, but we decide if that person will somehow become part of our lives - or just a background image in a photo. It's pure chance the people that enter our lives and the choices me make determine how big a role they will play. I've made some pretty shit head choices for sure, but I also made some AMAZING ones as well. I can never get over how truly blessed I am to have my small circle. Even in my deepest depression or darkest hour, they know how to pull me out. They erase the memory of the sucky choices, or at least the pain of it.

We all have people from our past that find a way to resurface in our minds every so often. And with them come bittersweet memories, anger or even hope. The only thing that really bums me out is thinking of the people that touched my world so briefly that I'll probably never have anything to do with again. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life. They have their purpose, even if it's not the same as our original intentions. I try not to regret any of my choices because they slowly define me. They teach me to be the kind of person I want to become or about creating the kind of love that'll make it all worth it. We all hope though that the people we think of are thinking of us too.

Where is Mei Mei?

Ahh, I'm here. I've just been off daydreaming for a couple of weeks, especially today. Wishful thinking even, maybe? Either way, I'm here - I've not gone into hiding. Not yet anyway. I think at some point in our lives, we're all due for a little "running away" action. I don't think we ever grow up from that notion. I'm not going to pack a teddy bear and join the circus or anything like that - although I'll admit, that would be pretty damn cool. And I still have trips to the Dominican Republic and the Bahamas to look forward to. No I'm being an adult about things... and focusing my current attentions on the bottle on wine sitting next to my laptop. Don't worry, I'm only a couple of glasses in... I won't admit to any more.

No, I'm here and probably not going anywhere for a while. Being an adult does not always afford that kind of luxury I guess. Tonight's distraction was yoga with a new instructor. I swear that woman has no bones because damn it, the body shouldn't bend like that! She actually came over to me and guided me into a couple of poses, and I'm proud to report I can do the sarvangasana (shoulder stand) now. Whoo hoo me. YES, whoo hoo me!!

But now I'm home and it's all too quiet. I'm not sad because it's Valentine's Day (yay for you lovers out there!) I just don't celebrate it anymore. Eight years ago my grandmother passed away on Vday. She was more than my grandmother, she was my mother. She saved me when I needed it the most - quite literally I might add. And on days when I still need saving, she's the first person I think of. I'm just sad today. I really miss her, I mean that's all this really is. I wish sometimes that we didn't cremate her because I just want there to be a place I can go to visit her. A place to lay still while I bullshit with her. I went to church today to light a candle, but it's not the same.

Missing her is not like missing the other people in my life. I miss people everyday. I wish I wasn't so busy so I could miss them less. I would hope we all have enough love in our lives that we have people we can miss. I miss my best friend who only lives 30 mins away, but our lives are so hectic that we don't get to see each other half as much as we should. I miss the first REAL important man in my life - my best guy friend who's probably in Japan right now or off having some other adventure. He's the one that shakes the silly notions out of my head and gives it to me straight. Thank God for modern technology because I literally see that man only once every other year. I miss my boys who have become my lifeline. Whoever said men and women can't be friends without sex complicating it, obviously never experienced an amazing friendship like ours. I miss my girls in a big bad way. We dance into the night without a care in the world and curse anyone who tries to bring us down. I miss the guy I'm kinda, sorta seeing. It may not be some epic love story, but I miss him still the same. But none of that compares to just how much I miss her. My heart literally breaks whenever I think of her. I wish I could remember where I heard this but: missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you've seen them or the amount of time since you've talked... It's about that very moment when you're doing something and wishing they were right there with you.

Tomorrow will be a better day. And tomorrow I'll be a much happier person. We're all allowed these moments, as long as we find a way to bounce back from them. I know even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. But I still have to get through tonight.