My heart's hunger

Edgar Allen Poe summed it up for me quite nicely: "Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts."

For all you bleeding hearts, this is not over the loss of a man, or the desire for one for that matter. It's about desire in general. We want what we want and it doesn't matter how much we try to talk ourselves out of it. A new job, an expensive gadget, vacation, a friendship.... It doesn't matter what it takes to get it or if it won't fit the image in our heads later. At the end of the day we just know that we crave SOMETHING. And even if we don't know what it is, we still hunger for it. I don't know about you, but I don't like voids, not in the slightest. And I try my best to fill those voids with whatever I can find. It could be a lover, a new hobby, food or a new found passion. It's a draining practice and not one too gentle with my heart. Most of my own heartaches are of my own design... but I've had help in that department too.

I tend to develop passions quite frequently. Like most quick blazing passions, the fizzle sets in early and doesn't look quite as shiny and appetizing after the fact. I just find something new to obsess over. Something to consume my thoughts. And I'll give it my all and examine it from a million and fifty different angles, pro and conning it and making myself sick to death over it. It's my process you see.

Yea, I need a new hobby. Hence the problem.

I don't know what I'm looking for this time, but it's knawing away at me. And my heart always takes control of my mind. It's hard for the brain to displace what the heart wants and like I said, I'm terrified of my heart.

Who moved the hallway??

So after 6 long years with the same company, I decided it was time to move on. It was a bittersweet decision because I love my job and the people I worked with. But sometimes, it's just time. Plus I was never a lifer anyway.

So I started this new job last week and it was strangely like being the new kid at school. Having worked for a college, I was used to an open atmospehere with college aged students and a sense of playfulness throughout the day. This job is so not that. I now work at an office, in a suite, in one of those tall office buildings. Yea, I joined the mindless, I know. Anyhoo

The office is two floors and on orientation day I was given the tour through the winding hallways into the "West Wing" and all I kept thinking was "this place must be forbidden." They kindly gave me a printed layout of the office for future reference.

So today I decided to venture onto the lower floor to drop something off. I left my trusty map in my office thinking I got this. Picture the TV show "The Office" and their "open" layout of work stations. I walk into the area and say hey to a few people and pretty much everyone lifts their head to watch me. I found that odd that everyone seemed so interested in my exit. So goodbye was said and I turn around and walk out the door...

Or so I thought.

Into a closet I walked with the door partly closing behind me. What else was there to do expect step out the closet and bow? And so I do while suppressing the heat that was quickly finding it's way to my face. There was a roar of laughter and claps. My only solace is that I am not the first  to do so I assume. I'm tempted everyday to tape a dang sign on that door.... but I secretly hope we have a new hire soon who will pull a Mei Mei and save me from disgrace.

Dora should have given me her map, at least he would have sang me along and warned me of the dreaded closet which would have been guarded by banana throwing monkeys or a math problem. I would have found my way home easy.

Highway to hell?

So anyone who knows me will tell you that I have a bizare fear of wheels. Yes you read that right, WHEELS. I am an amazing driver... as long as there are no other cars or people to worry about. I should probably explain before someone shows up to my office with a hotwheel car, chasing me down the hall.

While I enjoy riding anything with wheels, please do not let me be in control of the thing. I am certain to crash and take out a good couple of people with me. If you remember from a previous blog, I am quite clumsy (refresher: http://imhavingameimeimoment.blogspot.com/2012/02/i-dont-need-to-flirt-i-will-seduce-you.html) and therefore am certain to have a hiccup or two in my future. Roller blades jammed my funny bones, I was thrown from a bike down a gravel hill scrapping up my stomach and face and a skateboard just plain ejected me without so much as a warning.

Driving a car then should be forbidden to me. But the grand state of New York gave me that privilege after only THREE months of practice. I'm telling you they hand out licenses like candy with just a simple smile and wink. The first time I was on the highway, I was forced ushered off by a very mean large truck, almost smacking right into the guard rails. Needless to say, after that all my routes follow a strict back roads route even if that adds 30 minutes to my commute. I even only rent cars, never getting behind the wheel of a friend's car. Insurance premiums are no joke dude!

I will admit the only time I felt complete freedom was those two glorious hours in Punta Cana two years ago while riding an ATV. Soething about giant wheels is a little more comforting. Maybe I'm meant to be a monster trucker.

So anyway, last week I needed to attend a conference in Boston and left my poor confo mate to do all the driving with the exception of actually picking up the car. But then this past weekend my company had this huge event to attend in which we were sponsors. It involved us bringing 20 someodd boxes and bags of awesome goodies to hand out at the site. My co-worker was quite convinced he could fit all this plus 5 people into his range rover. Yea... right....

He then proceeds to tell me I had to drive the santa fe I rented... not only from White Plains to Flushing, but to mid points for people pick up - Washington Heights, Midtown and Chinatown. This involved not only numerious highways in which I must signal and switch lanes, but battling cabbies and crazy pedestraians on the awesome streets of NYC. Oh yea... NO PROBLEM.....

Well I must admit that I rather slowly walked to the bathroom with the excuse of switching out my glasses for contacts. I calmly went into a stall, slid to the floor and balled my eyes out for about 5 minutes. Yes, very adult of me. I still maintain the contacts made me tear up...

I'm proud to say though that I survived and became quite the road warrior over a two day period. To the point where I wanted to keep my rental indefinately. Alas my company wasn't having it.

Bear hugging on the river.... Woman overboard!!

While many women opt to never reveal their age... I don't think I've quite reached that point where it bothers me. I think I'm getting dangerously close though. My friends have begun celebrating their 30th birthdays... much to my delight, even with my upcoming birthday, I don't cross that hump until next year.

My best friend's husband turned 30 last week and the usual jeers ensued with the adopted mantra of "30 sucks!" But then he goes and does something awesome by organizing a white water rafting trip and thus landed himself into the "30 rocks" realm. Of course I was down - it is number 22 on my bucket list, which gets me up to 19 out of 110. (If you did not read the list, find it here: http://imhavingameimeimoment.blogspot.com/2012/01/lets-get-some-drops-in-this-bucket-list.html)

So off to Lehigh River 5 of us went... and this ONE was pushed fell into the river... butt first. Of course I had to "fall in" butt first to qualify this properly as a Mei Mei Moment... but I feel the need to defend myself and yes, even pat myself on the back. The instructors called them "friendly"... rocks, friendly?? Trust me, they lied. Those dang rocks tossed us around that river with a vengeance reserved for mortal enemies. One such rock sneaked up on my friend, who instead of embracing said rock and bearing into it, threw his hands into the air all superman-like and aimed straight at me. And thus into Lehigh River I went... BUTT first. My bestie said she was amazed how calmly I went in - trust me, I WAS NOT welcoming death or accepted my fate in any way. I figured if i made sweet love to the river, it'd at least spit me back out onto my boat. Well.... at the very least it let me come up for air. After finally getting my oar back into the raft, I very calmly urgently reminded my boatmates that they needed to "bear hug" me into the boat. Perhaps they weren't listening to me... so it kind of became a chant of sorts: "Bear hug... bear hug... bear hug... BEAR hug... BEAR HUG!!" You get the idea.

Needless to say I'm quite sore, even two days later. This rafting business is manual labor dude!! But it got me another drop into that bucket and am gearing up for the next adventure.

It's kind of been my year!

My best friend told me a couple of weeks ago to prepare myself - that she read somewhere that when a person turns 29, it's their year to shine. I think it's more than a theory!

In 6 days I'm walking across that stage to finally wrap my hands on my degree, I'm waiting on approval for a promotion at work and I'm fast approaching the pre-pregnancy weight I've been chasing for years (29 of the 40 pounds, whoo!) The most surprising thing this year though, even to myself, is the fact that I find myself suddenly in a relationship!

I will not taint or jinx it, but I'm happy. In a very dorky way I might add. I guess it's true that when you stop looking for it and just focus on bettering yourself, you'll eventually find it. It could be an epic love story or another heartache... but I'm feeling good about it. And I'm genuinely cheesing in my office right now... = )

Professional student status revoked

I can't even begin to describe how unbelievably elated I am that I am done with school! I slept like an effing baby this weekend. I took my last two finals Friday night and spent all day Saturday writing my last term paper.  Saving things to the last minute is kind of my MO. I like to pretend I work best under pressure. I've yet to be proven wrong anyway. My whole world just shifted after clicking that "save" button one last time. I passed out hard after that and slept for hours.

Slowly my grades are coming in, but I guess I can't officially say I'm a graduate yet... but I'm so much more calm these days. In addition to work and my crazy 8 year old, I was taking 4 classes and doing an internship. I don't know what to do with my free time now. Dating? New project? BUCKET LIST!!! I'm going to end up causing way too much trouble either way. I do like the thought of coming home and not feeling guilty about turning on the TV though or having happy hour drinks with the co-workers.

I know I have to start researching my MBA or MS, but I have months to tackle that. In the meantime I am ready to rejoin society and happily turn in my student ID. Look out summer, Mei Mei is on the loose!

Invincible summer

I've come to learn over time that falling out of love is just as liberating as finding love - it grants a freedom from the chains that love can create. Chains you were or weren't even aware of. From the kind of love that suffocates and blinds a person. The type of love that only takes without a thought of giving. You never really realize just how much your own emotions can cripple you. How much joy it takes away, especially when you think you are the happiest you've ever been.

I've been lucky to find love, even if it was short lived or perhaps a pretty lie. At least in that moment I was elated. But I've also experienced heartache that completely shut me down. It's amazing how in one minute love can create this moment of pure ecstasy that we wish would never leave us and then in the next becomes stifling and uncontrollable. Letting go gives us a strength that holding onto something can't do. You see the world with fresh eyes, are aware of new possibilities. I want to dwell in the possibilities of life and not be narrowed by only seeing what's just in front of me. I'm pretty excited to see what life has in store for me!

I think Albert Camus said it best: In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

Maybe I should move to Canada, eh?

It took me two years to take a vacation and I must say that regardless of my future situations, I fully plan on pulling aside time and money every year to go on a vacation. My mind is so at ease. (Even though finals are  right around the corner.) My biggest concern during my trip was whether I was going to tan on the beach or by the pool that day, or if my brugal was going to be light or dark for that next drink.

I traveled to Punta Cana for the destination wedding of an old high school friend I was lucky to rekindle with 5 years ago. It was amazing, she was gorgeous and the tropical waters were healing. I have decided that this will be the LAST time I go there though - I've only traveled internationally three times, and it was always to the Dominican Republic. (People honestly need to pick a new place to get married dude, the second time I went was for a wedding as well.) I honestly believe that customs is going to eventually question my passport and think me a mule one of these days!

I literally spent the whole week just tanning, eating, drinking rum and sleeping. Even the beautiful island of DR didn't want me to leave - the sun shone the ENTIRE time I was there, but the sky opened up and poured down on me as I checked out that morning. The past few days here in NY have been gloomy as well - you would think I was in London the way mother nature has been acting.

As I've said before I am a freakishly shy person. You can NOT take the opinions of my friends because they know me too well and I am far too comfortable with them at this point. But truth be told when I first meet a person, I probably won't say hi to them or attempt to start a conversation. My flirting is quite awkward honestly. Now it could be the concept I'm on vacation (or the rum), but I'm just NOT a shy person when I go away. It's like I'm a different person - I have no issue talking to people or dancing like a fool. (although I think I normally look like a fool when I dance anyway.) The island was COVERED with Canadians this whole week. Literally everywhere I went I saw either a Dominican or a Canadian. And I have to say, after meeting these Canadians, New York men better watch their back. They could take a lesson or two from Canadian men. It was SO NICE to talk to someone who actually wanted to TALK. They had to be the most genuine, friendly, respectful men I have ever met. And yes, I will say it: sexy! I met a Bradly Cooper body double and was completely lost in his blue eyes. Too bad he was short and lived in Vancouver.

Excuse me Sir, but you must be this tall to ride this ride!

I hit the town this weekend with a few friends of mine - a house party in the city and a little bar hopping after. The pick up lines I encountered were pure hilarity. Please note that I do NOT give out bonus points for creativity... you MAY get a chuckle or two, but that's about it. Although I guess that also depends at which point in the night you catch me and how many drinks in I am. So if, for example, you try picking me up on the subway on my way into the city, you're more likely to just get the evil eyes. My girlfriend was a little more forgiving and friendly to that poor man than I was. Maybe she felt sorry... I'm thinking she wanted to see how far he was going to push it. But honestly... who opens with "Has anyone ever told you two look like the Kardashians?" I mean really? THAT'S what you're going with? Even if that was true, that's who you're comparing me to? Vomit. Here's the kicker: he then proceeded to ask me "I have to know, you're not 17, are you?" Was that your way of checking if I was legal? Or your way of saying you wouldn't care if I was that young? Double vomit in my mouth.

The night only got better and much more entertaining: "Have you ever partied in the desert?" Yes, he asked me that. Why no, I never partied in the desert. I actually like to be close to a water source, thank you. And in this day of technology and social media the concept of dating and flirting has completely changed. Instead of asking someone for their number, they want you to look them up (or stalk them) on Facebook. This same guy kept saying to me "you just don't know about me, you have to friend me on Facebook, you just don't know." Um... gag. Call me old fashioned, but I like phone calls! I like hearing a ring tone and being excited because I know who's calling me - having those three hour conversations about everything and nothing. I like smiling from ear to ear because I'm looking forward to hearing his voice. Now everything is contained to 140 characters and the posted pictures that chronic your life. No mystery, no more butterflies. I like the butterflies, I like being giddy. *SIGH*

When did I become an old lady??

So I'm writing this from my couch... the couch I have been confined to since Tuesday. It seems typing with my fingers is the extend of what I'm capable of at the moment : /

I somehow pulled a muscle in my back and had one of those "I've fallen and can't get up" moments. And sadly THAT is truly a Mei Mei Moment without question. I was literally trapped at a 90 degree angle with only my feet to stare at. You see people do this on sitcoms and laugh like how is that even possible. Well... I tell you people, it's freaking possible!! I can not begin to describe how much it sucks not being able to stand up, to walk or move even an inch without a pain shooting through your body. That first night was AWFUL! I felt so helpless. I compared it to childbirth and desperately preferred reliving those 21 hours of labor my daughter put me through instead of what I was feeling. At least that pain ended when she was born. This has been nonstop.

My wonderful, wonderful doctor gave me this magical injection that worked for all of two hours. But it was two hours of pure heaven. So here I sit now with my trusty bag of frozen edamame and bottle of muscle relaxers. I hate that they make me so sleepy though - and that's literally all I've done these past few days, SLEEP. But I was able to walk around a bit today. I attempted to take a test earlier... HA! I practically fell asleep halfway through and randomly guessed the rest of the answers before time ran out. I don't know if I'll be pleased or just plain confused if I score high on that exam... we shall see.

I have a new appreciation for the aging. And I seriously can't wait until I'm able to go back to the gym. Hell, I can't wait until I can walk around outside in the sun. Of course this would be the week mother nature decides to hit us with 60 degree weather. Man, she's a bitch! How sad is it that I actually miss work?! I think that was the pills talking....

I don't need to flirt, I will seduce you with my clumsiness ; )

Klutz. Yes, that is me. MAJOR klutz. I trip over my own feet daily. I want to believe I meet the floor gracefully, but I know that's not the case. I still maintain that chairs and shoes are simply bullies out to get me. I know exactly where I leave things on the floor and work out a maze to get through it... doesn't always work, obviously someone moves things around...

It's important to note... I have a strange fear of stairs. Well... not fear, but a paranoia for sure. More specifically I'm paranoid I will fall DOWN the stairs. EVERY single time I go down the stairs, I literally picture myself plummeting to the floor. Experience has taught me this fear, and quite appropriately I must say. I've fallen down a flight of stairs five times in my lifetime (that I can remember anyway). The first two times resulted in an eye patch, and then a leg brace. YOU try walking up and down four flights of stairs in a damn leg brace everyday! I managed to somehow escape death for years until I was about 5 months pregnant. I was rushing to a job interview and fell down, down, down...... I like to think I'm super mom, because the next time I fell was on the subway stairs while carrying my hummer of a stroller - I somehow managed to turn my body and have the stroller fall ON me. (But hooray, my nena was saved.) My last fall happened at work a few years ago, and that one was in front of a large group of people. >: /

Well today was noooo exception to the rule. You know how they say "don't text and drive"? Yea, well apparently there's a Mei Mei add-on: "don't text and walk." I crashed face first into the concrete wall in my apartment building. At the very least I stuck my arms out and spared myself any bruising. Fun, fun, fun!! Sad part?? It's because I "missed" the non existent step at the bottom of the stairs. To keep up the trend of face whacking, a bare tree branch bitch slapped me today too. And this in not my first altercation with tree branches mind you. I was backpacking in Idaho (yea, I know, Idaho...) and a tree branch almost took out my eye. I had to wear YET ANOTHER eye patch for the rest of that trip. It's no fun having someone tap you on the shoulder and you end up turning around in circles because you can't find them in your blind spot.

My clumsiness is not going anywhere I fear, so I embraced it along with my quirkiness. I like to think that it's a part of my charm... that maybe someone even finds it incredibly sexy! = D Yea, well, whatever...

Where did all the booze go?!

I can not seriously enough stress the PERFECT timing of Lent! There's a few things (notions, thoughts, people...) I NEED to let go of. I've been pretty self destructive and unhealthy lately, and very unhappy... and it caused others to become a bit tainted themselves. I will be the first to admit I haven't been thinking so clearly lately and have been rationalizing my bad behavior away. I can make a good argument for anything, especially when my pride refuses to let me admit I'm wrong. But yes, after very careful thinking I've come up with a vice list... eek. Without writing out the full list (can't share ALL my weaknesses!!) I've decided finally on alcohol... YES, ALL alcohol consumption. I was going to originally just go with wine, but come on... that's pretty weak. So for the next 46 days I will NOT drink any alcohol... *heavy breath out*

I toyed with the idea of soda, take out, shoe shopping or even Facebook. I seriously considered coffee for a while, but I also need to be tolerable over the next few weeks so that's a BIG, fat no no. I even contemplated swearing off men and all that that implies, but that's highly laughable... I figured God still wants me to find love = ) So yea, alcohol. My biggest challenge will probably be one of my best gal's bachelorette party and St. Patrick's Day (come on, I AM Irish after all!!). But I think it'll be good for me. A few weeks ago I swore off any self pity parties... and then just threw myself a HUGE week long bash that ended with a new tattoo. Not exactly therapeutic, I know. Sometimes you just want to numb the pain. After last week, I need to refocus on myself and I think not drinking will help de-cloud my thoughts. Although I must admit I LOVE my new tattoo. It's my third and definitively not my last. I got the phrase "alis volat propriis", which is Latin for "she flies with her own wings" done on my shoulder.

ANYWAY, if my daughter can give up her beloved Pop Tarts... I think I can manage this. Besides, the week after Easter I'm going to soaking up the sun in Caribbean anyway ; )

Who's thinking of YOU?

I've been rather nostalgic and reminiscent this week - losing something close to your heart has that effect on you. It makes you think of everything you have and don't have anymore. You get a sense of longing, as though you need to fill some empty space.

I broke out the yearbook and photo albums and just flipped through, thinking back to some of the best times of my life... and of course the most heartbreaking ones. I came across this one photo though that really caught my attention. In it I'm laughing, just with my friends doing nothing too special. But in the background is someone who is just watching our group. I don't mean in a creeper kind of way - It's almost like he's just curious or something. Like he's wondering what's so funny. Anyway, I don't recognize him at all. It makes me wonder how many people out there right now thinking of someone, and maybe that person doesn't even know it.

Sometimes we're so caught up in our own stuff that we just don't look around. Someone could be in love with you right now, or appreciate you because you changed their lives, or maybe is envious of you. Everyday we meet someone new, but we decide if that person will somehow become part of our lives - or just a background image in a photo. It's pure chance the people that enter our lives and the choices me make determine how big a role they will play. I've made some pretty shit head choices for sure, but I also made some AMAZING ones as well. I can never get over how truly blessed I am to have my small circle. Even in my deepest depression or darkest hour, they know how to pull me out. They erase the memory of the sucky choices, or at least the pain of it.

We all have people from our past that find a way to resurface in our minds every so often. And with them come bittersweet memories, anger or even hope. The only thing that really bums me out is thinking of the people that touched my world so briefly that I'll probably never have anything to do with again. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life. They have their purpose, even if it's not the same as our original intentions. I try not to regret any of my choices because they slowly define me. They teach me to be the kind of person I want to become or about creating the kind of love that'll make it all worth it. We all hope though that the people we think of are thinking of us too.

Where is Mei Mei?

Ahh, I'm here. I've just been off daydreaming for a couple of weeks, especially today. Wishful thinking even, maybe? Either way, I'm here - I've not gone into hiding. Not yet anyway. I think at some point in our lives, we're all due for a little "running away" action. I don't think we ever grow up from that notion. I'm not going to pack a teddy bear and join the circus or anything like that - although I'll admit, that would be pretty damn cool. And I still have trips to the Dominican Republic and the Bahamas to look forward to. No I'm being an adult about things... and focusing my current attentions on the bottle on wine sitting next to my laptop. Don't worry, I'm only a couple of glasses in... I won't admit to any more.

No, I'm here and probably not going anywhere for a while. Being an adult does not always afford that kind of luxury I guess. Tonight's distraction was yoga with a new instructor. I swear that woman has no bones because damn it, the body shouldn't bend like that! She actually came over to me and guided me into a couple of poses, and I'm proud to report I can do the sarvangasana (shoulder stand) now. Whoo hoo me. YES, whoo hoo me!!

But now I'm home and it's all too quiet. I'm not sad because it's Valentine's Day (yay for you lovers out there!) I just don't celebrate it anymore. Eight years ago my grandmother passed away on Vday. She was more than my grandmother, she was my mother. She saved me when I needed it the most - quite literally I might add. And on days when I still need saving, she's the first person I think of. I'm just sad today. I really miss her, I mean that's all this really is. I wish sometimes that we didn't cremate her because I just want there to be a place I can go to visit her. A place to lay still while I bullshit with her. I went to church today to light a candle, but it's not the same.

Missing her is not like missing the other people in my life. I miss people everyday. I wish I wasn't so busy so I could miss them less. I would hope we all have enough love in our lives that we have people we can miss. I miss my best friend who only lives 30 mins away, but our lives are so hectic that we don't get to see each other half as much as we should. I miss the first REAL important man in my life - my best guy friend who's probably in Japan right now or off having some other adventure. He's the one that shakes the silly notions out of my head and gives it to me straight. Thank God for modern technology because I literally see that man only once every other year. I miss my boys who have become my lifeline. Whoever said men and women can't be friends without sex complicating it, obviously never experienced an amazing friendship like ours. I miss my girls in a big bad way. We dance into the night without a care in the world and curse anyone who tries to bring us down. I miss the guy I'm kinda, sorta seeing. It may not be some epic love story, but I miss him still the same. But none of that compares to just how much I miss her. My heart literally breaks whenever I think of her. I wish I could remember where I heard this but: missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you've seen them or the amount of time since you've talked... It's about that very moment when you're doing something and wishing they were right there with you.

Tomorrow will be a better day. And tomorrow I'll be a much happier person. We're all allowed these moments, as long as we find a way to bounce back from them. I know even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. But I still have to get through tonight.

And you say I'M a bad driver??

The road and I are NOT friends. I don't pretend that eventually it will love me, even if I do find solace with it. Street lights and stop signs do not like me, pot holes always find me, dead ends seem to be everywhere, side mirrors leap out at every turn (I only slightly swipe them), and those yellow lines zig zag on purpose teasing me. It doesn't take a genius to realize I'm the worst kind of driver. Welllll.... that's not true... I'm fantastic, assuming of course there are no other cars or silly things like people in my way. But let's face it, I'm from New York - so that's wishful thinking. Just like finding a rent controlled apartment on the upper east side or a parking spot in under five minutes near the bars. (I actually ROCK at parking!!) As a matter of fact, I'm actually quite a passive driver and have no issues with it taking me an hour to go only 10 miles. Oh, you wanna pass me? Go right ahead! I see you gunning up behind me - feel free to cut me off, no worries.

I never even had the desire to get a driver's license, not really. I'm a city gal through and through. This city, for all it's faults, has a pretty good mass transportation system. Straphangers may complain constantly, but at least it's 24 hours a day. Whenever I decide to wreck havoc on the lower east side now, I have to run drink in hand to catch the last train north at 2am or troop it out until 5:30. It wasn't until a couple of years ago when my boyfriend agreed to let me drive us home that I ever even considered learning. That fool. Yea, after only a few blocks me made me pull over and promised I would never touch the steering wheel again until I got my license. Yea, well who's laughing now?? New York state hands out driver's licenses like candy!

BUT just because my driving skills are lacking, that is no excuse for other people who have been driving for years. Someone needs to please explain to me why everyone I ride with tries to kill me! I've gotten much better about screaming out every time a truck inches towards me, ask my best friend - I've given her more than enough heart attacks over the years. I've worked it down to quiet gasps during which I seal my eyes shut. (Because we all know that when we close our eyes, it's like it's not happening. Think back to your childhood when you hid under the blankets - anything that wanted to kill us was gone instantly.) But I'm not talking about my own freak reactions here. Just over the past two weeks, TWO people have gone down a one way street IN THE WRONG DIRECTION. I mean, do I really annoy people that much that they are willing to risk their own lives to off me?? Don't answer that! The point being, there has to be some kind of bad driver aura I give out that other people absorb. What other explanation is there that I am constantly watching the headlines of an oncoming car bearing down on the passenger door.

So with that being said, I'm giving fair notice to all Westchester drivers... I fully plan on buying a car this Spring. How else am I going to tame the road? I guarantee you though, we WILL be best friends by summer's end.

When rags attack...

To say I'm quirky would be an understatement I'm quite sure! I'm very much aware of how left of center I am and, for the most part, am quick to accept that and move on. Others may need a second look and warm up to my randomness. Who wants to be ordinary anyway? What's so special about that??

Genes are a strong thing indeed because my baby girl is a carbon copy of me in almost every way. I'm not too sure how the rest of the world feels about there being two of me running around, but I think you're all pretty damn lucky! I quite often joke it's her father's curse - to never REALLY be rid of me completely : ) He'll be fine, don't feel that bad for him!!

But my daughter definitely embodies the "Mei Mei moment" mentality. Even in her dreams... lol. I normally catch her sneaking in and out of my bed at night and let her think I'm none the wiser. Last night though she was curled right up under my armpit. We laid quite contently this way all night. (On another completely separate note, I think she senses when I'm at my lowest emotionally because she was there right when I needed her last night. How can I ever stay blue too long when the gorgeous one is there to pick me up??)

When we woke up I asked her why she came to my bed. She told me "I had a nightmare about a rag." Of course confused, I asked "A rat?" "No a rag, mommy." Well who wouldn't be confused about this? So I asked her to tell me more about her dream. Basically the story goes as such:

"I had a nightmare about a rag. It was just there, like a ghost. I knew it would attack me, so I had to attack it first. But when I went to attack it, it attacked me! I ran outta there!!"

This may not seem like some big hilarity of the week to you... but come on, kitchen rags that attack?? And my baby girl being so brave to thwart it's evil plans with a preemptive strike? Hearing this story, in her super sleepy voice with her wide eyes totally made my morning.

I love that she's like me. As stated just the other day, I'm on my way to being a better me and if she takes away only the best of me... imagine just how awesome she'll be!! Sometimes it freaks me out to no end, but I want to believe that it's a beautiful thing. And at least now I know when I go for a drink in the middle of the night, she's got my back ; )

On my way to being a better me...

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not who I thought I'd be. Nothing about my life is how I envisioned it when I was younger. To say I was (am??) a nerd is an understatement to the extreme. I literally had my entire future mapped out, probably from infancy lol. I was an overachiever and always expected to excel at anything I tried - and normally did. Somewhere along the way though, I went astray and it all went downhill.

If any of us were to examine our dreams and ambitions from when we were kids, we'd realize none of it came true the way we wanted it to. I mean if I ended up with the job I wanted since I was a kid, I'd be a princess or marine biologist right now. It's not to say that these dreams aren't achievable, I just think all those hard knocks I got in my life made me more of a realist these days. Maybe too much??

I struggle on a daily basis to be a better person than I was the day before and almost always at the end of the day I realize I failed miserably at accomplishing that. I'm not being too hard on myself... I know I could do more. I keep asking myself "Am I the kind of person I want my daughter to be?" The answer is not yet...  not yet. *sigh*

Maybe I'm just sad today, maybe I only see the glass as half empty today. Maybe I do a better job of beating myself up than others ever could. And believe me... I've had my fair share of ego killers and heartbreaking let downs. I do know I want to be a better person and that I'm capable of that. I probably just need to stop thinking about it and do it already. I need to stop confessing my damn sins just to commit the same ones again a week later. I need to stop accepting the circumstances of life. I need to set this freaking bar higher than I have been - higher standards for myself, from others, from life. I should expect more, want MORE. And not feel like I'm being selfish about it. Stop feeling guilty that I believe I deserve more. Especially when it comes to the choices I make in my love life. God, especially THAT. But this rant is not just about a bruised heart. It's about ALL the relationships in my life. This is about that and all the pieces of me - the parts I hate, the parts I love; the parts that bind me, the parts that attempt to set me free; the parts I know are toxic and the parts that very well may save me from myself.

At what point in our lives did we suddenly decide it's over anyway?? It's like I've given up or settled. I'm 20 effing 8 years old. My life is far from over - so why am I mourning it's death already? I value myself so much more than I show to the world. I keep so much of me hidden. And if I can't project a person worthy of love or respect, who's going to give it to me? Who's going to know it's what I deserve? The whole little pity party thing is way played out and I decided I'm not attending that soiree anymore.

This is a big year for me - so many exciting things are happening. (And don't worry I'll share those incredible moments with you as they do.) The first being: Friday is the first day of my last semester in college. Ahhhhh, I know! So long overdue, but it's here. Imagine me: no longer the "professional student" ; ) That's only the beginning of my soon to be awesomeness - so definitely stay tuned. So with that being said, Friday is pretty much the first day of the rest of my life! Like I said before, I'm not who I thought I'd be... but I'm soooooooo on my way to being a better me.

xo

Let's get some drops in this bucket list baby!

So my last post was kind of a downer I know... but sadness reminds us of all the awesome things we have. I get my moments just like everyone else when the sky opens up and pours down. Well... I'm dancing through this storm and decided I just can't dwell on things that won't change. So, let's put all that in a bubble and blow! Woooooosh!

I also mentioned in my last post some of the things on my bucket list. WELLLLLLL why not share that list and update you with cross offs?? Sounds like fun to me! The list is pretty long and it's going to take forever and a day to finish, but that's what's the point of life otherwise?? So of 110 items, I've managed to cross of 17. My goal this year is to cross off another 10 - the ones I'm considering this year I've bolded.

So here's the list:

Travel:
1.      Live in a foreign country
2.      Visit 6 of the 7 continents
3.      See the Mona Lisa at the Louvre
4.      See Rome – all of it
5.      Visit the Egyptian Museum in Cairo
6.      See the Christ Redeemer in Brazil
7.      Visit the village where my mom was born
8.      Go to Carnival
9.      Visit a castle in Ireland
10.    Gamble in Vegas
11.    Go on safari
12.    Go to a film festival
13.    Attend a winter or summer Olympics
14.    Be in two places at once
15.    Go to a wedding abroad
16.    Have a road trip
Adventure:
17.    Go scuba diving
18.    Go sailing
19.    Go white water rafting
20.    Go surfing
21.    Swim with the dolphins
22.    Ride a zip line
23.    Go rock climbing
24.    Ride in a hot air balloon
25.    Bungee jump
26.    Jump out of a plane
27.    Jump off a cliff
28.    Ride in a race car
29.    Ride a motorcycle
30.    Ride in a helicopter
31.    Audition for something just because
32.    Shoot a gun
33.    Buy a random pair of tickets at an airport
34.    Throw a dart at a map – visit where it lands
Edification:
35.    Finally learn Spanish!
36.    Graduate from college
37.    Take a photography class
38.    Graduate with a Master’s degree
39.    Be fluent in at least two foreign languages
40.    Learn how to REALLY salsa dance
41.    Learn to play the guitar
42.    Learn to play poker (and be good at it)
Financial:
43.    Buy a car
44.    Own my first car
45.    Create a trust fund for Aimee
46.    Save $100,000
47.    Save $500,000
48.    Start a non profit organization
49.    Sponsor a charity
50.    Make a loan on kiva.com
51.    Own a dog
52.    Own a home
Accomplishments:
53.    Get my driver’s permit
54.    Get my driver’s license
55.    Publish something
56.    Create my own website
57.    Start a blog
58.    Make a documentary
59.    Write a children’s book
60.    Run a half marathon
61.    Run a marathon
62.    Quit smoking
63.    Read Crime and Punishment
64.    Read War and Peace
65.    Break a world record
66.    Conquer my fear of closets
67.    Compose/write a song
68.    Write my memoirs
Life:
69.    Have a friend for at least 20 years
70.    Be the Maid of Honor at least once
71.    Be someone’s Godmother
72.    Fall in love
73.    Fall in love again
74.    Get married
75.    Celebrate my 25th wedding anniversary
76.    Start a tradition
77.    Have a huge 30th birthday party
78.    Attach a lock on a love bridge
Family:
79.    Find a way to reconcile with my mother
80.    Find and get to know my half sister
81.    Find and get to know my half brother
82.    Host a family reunion
83.    See Aimee get married
84.    Write Aimee a letter for when she’s older
Random:
85.    Slap someone in the face and really mean it
86.    Watch a sunset and a sunrise on the beach
87.    Witness a miracle
88.    Plant a tree
89.    Skinny dip
90.    Be an extra in a movie
91.    Make a time capsule and bury it somewhere
92.    Go to an NFL football game
93.    Laugh until I cry
94.    Go fishing – bait my own line, catch the fish and eat it!
95.    Go on a blind date
96.    Name a star
97.    Have sex in a public place
98.    Get a tattoo
99.    Dance in the rain
100.  Kiss in the rain
101.  Send a message in a bottle
102.  Make a difference in someone’s life
103.  Inspire someone
104.  Learn to forgive
105.  Go to a concert
106.  Lose 50 pounds
107.  Be in a protest
108.  Build a giant sand castle
109.  Find a four lead clover
110.  Save a human life

I challenge you to create a list and just get out there and live your life!! I'll update you as I go because I know many of these will inspire some major Mei Mei Moments and isn't that the whole point? ;)

I miss her in forever ways

I started writing this blog for a few reasons. First, it was number 57 on my bucket list and seemed like a fairly easy one to cross off - especially compared to cliff diving and reading Crime and Punishment (numbers 29 and 63). Second, what better way to look back at my life than through a series of silly moments that slowly help define me - to know I didn't just go through the daily motions; I actually lived my life and have the scars to prove it. But most importantly, I wanted to leave behind a piece of me that maybe most people won't ever get to see. It's one thing to recall the silly "Mei Mei Moments" and be able to laugh at myself... but in a way I also wanted to expose myself - even if it wasn't a funny occasion.

We all have these moments that may very well define us or change the course of our lives altogether. I had my grandmother to get me through those moments. She was more than just a presence in my life, she WAS my life. I drew my strength from her and she did everything in her power to shield me from the horrors of reality. Losing her is still one of those things I haven't quite found a way to get over yet. Today is her birthday and I'm overwhelmingly depressed that I can't just curl up into her arms. There's times I need her in the worst way. I'm reminded of that today...

Another item on my bucket list is to publish something one day. I'm hoping for an epic love story, of course - No inspiration yet, I'll keep you posted on that one ; ) For now it's a series of short stories that basically chronicle my biggest heartaches. (A little "woe is me" I know - but it's when we're our most honest.) I carry this little green notebook with me everywhere I go and in it  I record every and any thought I possess. It's me at my rawest and I guard it with everything I have. My best friend is the only person to have read it or selected pieces from it anyway. I surprisingly let someone else read something from it very recently. It was quite liberating actually... In a very big way I exposed myself and it gave me a little courage to share an excerpt from one of these stories. It's about my grandmother:

"Sometimes late at night, I light a candle and lay on the floor. I talk to the flame as it dances. I tell her the things I’m ashamed of, the things I wish so desperately I could change about myself. I tell her how scared I am that my daughter may turn out like me, because sometimes I’m terrified just how horrible that might be.  I talk about my other fears, about how alone I feel, about how I don’t want to lose the other people in my life that get me through the day. I tell her how I miss her, how despairingly much I miss her. That my world feels empty without her. And that I fill the void with too many vices. That even when I manage to kick one vice, I trade it with another or even two.I tell her I’m most scared of myself and what I’m capable of. I lay still and quiet for a while and listen hard. I don’t hear anything and it makes me even sadder. When I blow out the candle the smoke always swirls and rises, and I hope my bad thoughts go with it."

I don't know if I'll ever actually publish any of these stories but maybe one day I'll have the courage to do it. For now I have this blog anyway... and I'm okay with that for now. So I'll keep writing, and hopefully you'll keep reading.

RIP Rose Marie Brantman 1/17/29 - 2/12/04 I miss you in forever ways </3

I always win my battles! Except apparently with inanimate objects… CURSES!! >:/

So first things first: I’m a lover, not a fighter… okay, okay I’m lying! I can’t even say that without giggling.  = ) I just like to be right is all, it’s not that I LOVE to fight or anything. (But there is SUCH a sense of victory in knowing I’m right and winning that fight, whether I’m actually right or the other person gave up because I’m THAT stubborn) Anyway, the point here is I don’t go looking for fights or anything and if I do it’s going to be a fight I KNOW I’ll win. So that being said, it’s my very sad duty to report that I lost a major battle this week with a wily, lone showerhead. Yes, that’s what I said – a showerhead!! A crafty, devious showerhead bent on destruction. You weren’t there… you don’t know!

I was visiting a cousin this week in an attempt to connect with my family and get away for a day or two. It was a great visit and I felt super relaxed after a very hectic holiday week. Before leaving I decided to of course bathe and was first struck dumb by the cunning bathtub’s mechanisms… I couldn’t figure out how to turn the dang thing on!! I turned this knob, adjusted that switch, even reached up to the removable showerhead. (I believe THAT is when I first challenged it to a duel!!) After sheepishly asking my cousin for help, the water was a-flowing.

Now we don’t need the scary movie shower scene scenario inserted here at all – sorry, that’s another kind of story altogether… BUT once I stepped into the shower I noticed the water was spraying from the showerhead a little funky. So I reached up to adjust it when it fell from its cradle. As it descended to the floor it shot blistering water at me burning my skin off. Okay I’m being melodramatic here – but that sucker was still hot! That vicious thing literally slithered like a snake spraying up at me. All I could do was stick out my arms and kick it. Now a smarter me would have just turned off the water, right? Well don’t forget this has all the makings of a classic Mei Mei Moment and of course that became the furtherest thing from my mind. I continuing to wrestle with this sneaky showerhead until I finally subdued it. The damage was done though… I meekly finished my shower and turned off the water, gently placing the head back in its cradle. (I didn’t want to further seek it’s wrath.)

My only solace to this disastrous loss? The amazing memory foam bath mat that caressed my feet when I stepped out the shower. I swear it was like stepping on a cloud!! It was almost like a parting gift of sorts. I stood there for a few moments, tending to my bruised ego and plotting my revenge.

Mark Twain once said “I thoroughly disapprove of duels. I consider them unwise and I know they are dangerous. Also, sinful. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet retired spot and kill him.” Oh yea, showerhead… it’s on!