Tuesday, January 24, 2012

On my way to being a better me...

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not who I thought I'd be. Nothing about my life is how I envisioned it when I was younger. To say I was (am??) a nerd is an understatement to the extreme. I literally had my entire future mapped out, probably from infancy lol. I was an overachiever and always expected to excel at anything I tried - and normally did. Somewhere along the way though, I went astray and it all went downhill.

If any of us were to examine our dreams and ambitions from when we were kids, we'd realize none of it came true the way we wanted it to. I mean if I ended up with the job I wanted since I was a kid, I'd be a princess or marine biologist right now. It's not to say that these dreams aren't achievable, I just think all those hard knocks I got in my life made me more of a realist these days. Maybe too much??

I struggle on a daily basis to be a better person than I was the day before and almost always at the end of the day I realize I failed miserably at accomplishing that. I'm not being too hard on myself... I know I could do more. I keep asking myself "Am I the kind of person I want my daughter to be?" The answer is not yet...  not yet. *sigh*

Maybe I'm just sad today, maybe I only see the glass as half empty today. Maybe I do a better job of beating myself up than others ever could. And believe me... I've had my fair share of ego killers and heartbreaking let downs. I do know I want to be a better person and that I'm capable of that. I probably just need to stop thinking about it and do it already. I need to stop confessing my damn sins just to commit the same ones again a week later. I need to stop accepting the circumstances of life. I need to set this freaking bar higher than I have been - higher standards for myself, from others, from life. I should expect more, want MORE. And not feel like I'm being selfish about it. Stop feeling guilty that I believe I deserve more. Especially when it comes to the choices I make in my love life. God, especially THAT. But this rant is not just about a bruised heart. It's about ALL the relationships in my life. This is about that and all the pieces of me - the parts I hate, the parts I love; the parts that bind me, the parts that attempt to set me free; the parts I know are toxic and the parts that very well may save me from myself.

At what point in our lives did we suddenly decide it's over anyway?? It's like I've given up or settled. I'm 20 effing 8 years old. My life is far from over - so why am I mourning it's death already? I value myself so much more than I show to the world. I keep so much of me hidden. And if I can't project a person worthy of love or respect, who's going to give it to me? Who's going to know it's what I deserve? The whole little pity party thing is way played out and I decided I'm not attending that soiree anymore.

This is a big year for me - so many exciting things are happening. (And don't worry I'll share those incredible moments with you as they do.) The first being: Friday is the first day of my last semester in college. Ahhhhh, I know! So long overdue, but it's here. Imagine me: no longer the "professional student" ; ) That's only the beginning of my soon to be awesomeness - so definitely stay tuned. So with that being said, Friday is pretty much the first day of the rest of my life! Like I said before, I'm not who I thought I'd be... but I'm soooooooo on my way to being a better me.


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