My heart's hunger

Edgar Allen Poe summed it up for me quite nicely: "Sometimes I'm terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts."

For all you bleeding hearts, this is not over the loss of a man, or the desire for one for that matter. It's about desire in general. We want what we want and it doesn't matter how much we try to talk ourselves out of it. A new job, an expensive gadget, vacation, a friendship.... It doesn't matter what it takes to get it or if it won't fit the image in our heads later. At the end of the day we just know that we crave SOMETHING. And even if we don't know what it is, we still hunger for it. I don't know about you, but I don't like voids, not in the slightest. And I try my best to fill those voids with whatever I can find. It could be a lover, a new hobby, food or a new found passion. It's a draining practice and not one too gentle with my heart. Most of my own heartaches are of my own design... but I've had help in that department too.

I tend to develop passions quite frequently. Like most quick blazing passions, the fizzle sets in early and doesn't look quite as shiny and appetizing after the fact. I just find something new to obsess over. Something to consume my thoughts. And I'll give it my all and examine it from a million and fifty different angles, pro and conning it and making myself sick to death over it. It's my process you see.

Yea, I need a new hobby. Hence the problem.

I don't know what I'm looking for this time, but it's knawing away at me. And my heart always takes control of my mind. It's hard for the brain to displace what the heart wants and like I said, I'm terrified of my heart.

Who moved the hallway??

So after 6 long years with the same company, I decided it was time to move on. It was a bittersweet decision because I love my job and the people I worked with. But sometimes, it's just time. Plus I was never a lifer anyway.

So I started this new job last week and it was strangely like being the new kid at school. Having worked for a college, I was used to an open atmospehere with college aged students and a sense of playfulness throughout the day. This job is so not that. I now work at an office, in a suite, in one of those tall office buildings. Yea, I joined the mindless, I know. Anyhoo

The office is two floors and on orientation day I was given the tour through the winding hallways into the "West Wing" and all I kept thinking was "this place must be forbidden." They kindly gave me a printed layout of the office for future reference.

So today I decided to venture onto the lower floor to drop something off. I left my trusty map in my office thinking I got this. Picture the TV show "The Office" and their "open" layout of work stations. I walk into the area and say hey to a few people and pretty much everyone lifts their head to watch me. I found that odd that everyone seemed so interested in my exit. So goodbye was said and I turn around and walk out the door...

Or so I thought.

Into a closet I walked with the door partly closing behind me. What else was there to do expect step out the closet and bow? And so I do while suppressing the heat that was quickly finding it's way to my face. There was a roar of laughter and claps. My only solace is that I am not the first  to do so I assume. I'm tempted everyday to tape a dang sign on that door.... but I secretly hope we have a new hire soon who will pull a Mei Mei and save me from disgrace.

Dora should have given me her map, at least he would have sang me along and warned me of the dreaded closet which would have been guarded by banana throwing monkeys or a math problem. I would have found my way home easy.

Highway to hell?

So anyone who knows me will tell you that I have a bizare fear of wheels. Yes you read that right, WHEELS. I am an amazing driver... as long as there are no other cars or people to worry about. I should probably explain before someone shows up to my office with a hotwheel car, chasing me down the hall.

While I enjoy riding anything with wheels, please do not let me be in control of the thing. I am certain to crash and take out a good couple of people with me. If you remember from a previous blog, I am quite clumsy (refresher: http://imhavingameimeimoment.blogspot.com/2012/02/i-dont-need-to-flirt-i-will-seduce-you.html) and therefore am certain to have a hiccup or two in my future. Roller blades jammed my funny bones, I was thrown from a bike down a gravel hill scrapping up my stomach and face and a skateboard just plain ejected me without so much as a warning.

Driving a car then should be forbidden to me. But the grand state of New York gave me that privilege after only THREE months of practice. I'm telling you they hand out licenses like candy with just a simple smile and wink. The first time I was on the highway, I was forced ushered off by a very mean large truck, almost smacking right into the guard rails. Needless to say, after that all my routes follow a strict back roads route even if that adds 30 minutes to my commute. I even only rent cars, never getting behind the wheel of a friend's car. Insurance premiums are no joke dude!

I will admit the only time I felt complete freedom was those two glorious hours in Punta Cana two years ago while riding an ATV. Soething about giant wheels is a little more comforting. Maybe I'm meant to be a monster trucker.

So anyway, last week I needed to attend a conference in Boston and left my poor confo mate to do all the driving with the exception of actually picking up the car. But then this past weekend my company had this huge event to attend in which we were sponsors. It involved us bringing 20 someodd boxes and bags of awesome goodies to hand out at the site. My co-worker was quite convinced he could fit all this plus 5 people into his range rover. Yea... right....

He then proceeds to tell me I had to drive the santa fe I rented... not only from White Plains to Flushing, but to mid points for people pick up - Washington Heights, Midtown and Chinatown. This involved not only numerious highways in which I must signal and switch lanes, but battling cabbies and crazy pedestraians on the awesome streets of NYC. Oh yea... NO PROBLEM.....

Well I must admit that I rather slowly walked to the bathroom with the excuse of switching out my glasses for contacts. I calmly went into a stall, slid to the floor and balled my eyes out for about 5 minutes. Yes, very adult of me. I still maintain the contacts made me tear up...

I'm proud to say though that I survived and became quite the road warrior over a two day period. To the point where I wanted to keep my rental indefinately. Alas my company wasn't having it.

Bear hugging on the river.... Woman overboard!!

While many women opt to never reveal their age... I don't think I've quite reached that point where it bothers me. I think I'm getting dangerously close though. My friends have begun celebrating their 30th birthdays... much to my delight, even with my upcoming birthday, I don't cross that hump until next year.

My best friend's husband turned 30 last week and the usual jeers ensued with the adopted mantra of "30 sucks!" But then he goes and does something awesome by organizing a white water rafting trip and thus landed himself into the "30 rocks" realm. Of course I was down - it is number 22 on my bucket list, which gets me up to 19 out of 110. (If you did not read the list, find it here: http://imhavingameimeimoment.blogspot.com/2012/01/lets-get-some-drops-in-this-bucket-list.html)

So off to Lehigh River 5 of us went... and this ONE was pushed fell into the river... butt first. Of course I had to "fall in" butt first to qualify this properly as a Mei Mei Moment... but I feel the need to defend myself and yes, even pat myself on the back. The instructors called them "friendly"... rocks, friendly?? Trust me, they lied. Those dang rocks tossed us around that river with a vengeance reserved for mortal enemies. One such rock sneaked up on my friend, who instead of embracing said rock and bearing into it, threw his hands into the air all superman-like and aimed straight at me. And thus into Lehigh River I went... BUTT first. My bestie said she was amazed how calmly I went in - trust me, I WAS NOT welcoming death or accepted my fate in any way. I figured if i made sweet love to the river, it'd at least spit me back out onto my boat. Well.... at the very least it let me come up for air. After finally getting my oar back into the raft, I very calmly urgently reminded my boatmates that they needed to "bear hug" me into the boat. Perhaps they weren't listening to me... so it kind of became a chant of sorts: "Bear hug... bear hug... bear hug... BEAR hug... BEAR HUG!!" You get the idea.

Needless to say I'm quite sore, even two days later. This rafting business is manual labor dude!! But it got me another drop into that bucket and am gearing up for the next adventure.

It's kind of been my year!

My best friend told me a couple of weeks ago to prepare myself - that she read somewhere that when a person turns 29, it's their year to shine. I think it's more than a theory!

In 6 days I'm walking across that stage to finally wrap my hands on my degree, I'm waiting on approval for a promotion at work and I'm fast approaching the pre-pregnancy weight I've been chasing for years (29 of the 40 pounds, whoo!) The most surprising thing this year though, even to myself, is the fact that I find myself suddenly in a relationship!

I will not taint or jinx it, but I'm happy. In a very dorky way I might add. I guess it's true that when you stop looking for it and just focus on bettering yourself, you'll eventually find it. It could be an epic love story or another heartache... but I'm feeling good about it. And I'm genuinely cheesing in my office right now... = )

Professional student status revoked

I can't even begin to describe how unbelievably elated I am that I am done with school! I slept like an effing baby this weekend. I took my last two finals Friday night and spent all day Saturday writing my last term paper.  Saving things to the last minute is kind of my MO. I like to pretend I work best under pressure. I've yet to be proven wrong anyway. My whole world just shifted after clicking that "save" button one last time. I passed out hard after that and slept for hours.

Slowly my grades are coming in, but I guess I can't officially say I'm a graduate yet... but I'm so much more calm these days. In addition to work and my crazy 8 year old, I was taking 4 classes and doing an internship. I don't know what to do with my free time now. Dating? New project? BUCKET LIST!!! I'm going to end up causing way too much trouble either way. I do like the thought of coming home and not feeling guilty about turning on the TV though or having happy hour drinks with the co-workers.

I know I have to start researching my MBA or MS, but I have months to tackle that. In the meantime I am ready to rejoin society and happily turn in my student ID. Look out summer, Mei Mei is on the loose!

Invincible summer

I've come to learn over time that falling out of love is just as liberating as finding love - it grants a freedom from the chains that love can create. Chains you were or weren't even aware of. From the kind of love that suffocates and blinds a person. The type of love that only takes without a thought of giving. You never really realize just how much your own emotions can cripple you. How much joy it takes away, especially when you think you are the happiest you've ever been.

I've been lucky to find love, even if it was short lived or perhaps a pretty lie. At least in that moment I was elated. But I've also experienced heartache that completely shut me down. It's amazing how in one minute love can create this moment of pure ecstasy that we wish would never leave us and then in the next becomes stifling and uncontrollable. Letting go gives us a strength that holding onto something can't do. You see the world with fresh eyes, are aware of new possibilities. I want to dwell in the possibilities of life and not be narrowed by only seeing what's just in front of me. I'm pretty excited to see what life has in store for me!

I think Albert Camus said it best: In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.