I don't need to flirt, I will seduce you with my clumsiness ; )

Klutz. Yes, that is me. MAJOR klutz. I trip over my own feet daily. I want to believe I meet the floor gracefully, but I know that's not the case. I still maintain that chairs and shoes are simply bullies out to get me. I know exactly where I leave things on the floor and work out a maze to get through it... doesn't always work, obviously someone moves things around...

It's important to note... I have a strange fear of stairs. Well... not fear, but a paranoia for sure. More specifically I'm paranoid I will fall DOWN the stairs. EVERY single time I go down the stairs, I literally picture myself plummeting to the floor. Experience has taught me this fear, and quite appropriately I must say. I've fallen down a flight of stairs five times in my lifetime (that I can remember anyway). The first two times resulted in an eye patch, and then a leg brace. YOU try walking up and down four flights of stairs in a damn leg brace everyday! I managed to somehow escape death for years until I was about 5 months pregnant. I was rushing to a job interview and fell down, down, down...... I like to think I'm super mom, because the next time I fell was on the subway stairs while carrying my hummer of a stroller - I somehow managed to turn my body and have the stroller fall ON me. (But hooray, my nena was saved.) My last fall happened at work a few years ago, and that one was in front of a large group of people. >: /

Well today was noooo exception to the rule. You know how they say "don't text and drive"? Yea, well apparently there's a Mei Mei add-on: "don't text and walk." I crashed face first into the concrete wall in my apartment building. At the very least I stuck my arms out and spared myself any bruising. Fun, fun, fun!! Sad part?? It's because I "missed" the non existent step at the bottom of the stairs. To keep up the trend of face whacking, a bare tree branch bitch slapped me today too. And this in not my first altercation with tree branches mind you. I was backpacking in Idaho (yea, I know, Idaho...) and a tree branch almost took out my eye. I had to wear YET ANOTHER eye patch for the rest of that trip. It's no fun having someone tap you on the shoulder and you end up turning around in circles because you can't find them in your blind spot.

My clumsiness is not going anywhere I fear, so I embraced it along with my quirkiness. I like to think that it's a part of my charm... that maybe someone even finds it incredibly sexy! = D Yea, well, whatever...

Where did all the booze go?!

I can not seriously enough stress the PERFECT timing of Lent! There's a few things (notions, thoughts, people...) I NEED to let go of. I've been pretty self destructive and unhealthy lately, and very unhappy... and it caused others to become a bit tainted themselves. I will be the first to admit I haven't been thinking so clearly lately and have been rationalizing my bad behavior away. I can make a good argument for anything, especially when my pride refuses to let me admit I'm wrong. But yes, after very careful thinking I've come up with a vice list... eek. Without writing out the full list (can't share ALL my weaknesses!!) I've decided finally on alcohol... YES, ALL alcohol consumption. I was going to originally just go with wine, but come on... that's pretty weak. So for the next 46 days I will NOT drink any alcohol... *heavy breath out*

I toyed with the idea of soda, take out, shoe shopping or even Facebook. I seriously considered coffee for a while, but I also need to be tolerable over the next few weeks so that's a BIG, fat no no. I even contemplated swearing off men and all that that implies, but that's highly laughable... I figured God still wants me to find love = ) So yea, alcohol. My biggest challenge will probably be one of my best gal's bachelorette party and St. Patrick's Day (come on, I AM Irish after all!!). But I think it'll be good for me. A few weeks ago I swore off any self pity parties... and then just threw myself a HUGE week long bash that ended with a new tattoo. Not exactly therapeutic, I know. Sometimes you just want to numb the pain. After last week, I need to refocus on myself and I think not drinking will help de-cloud my thoughts. Although I must admit I LOVE my new tattoo. It's my third and definitively not my last. I got the phrase "alis volat propriis", which is Latin for "she flies with her own wings" done on my shoulder.

ANYWAY, if my daughter can give up her beloved Pop Tarts... I think I can manage this. Besides, the week after Easter I'm going to soaking up the sun in Caribbean anyway ; )

Who's thinking of YOU?

I've been rather nostalgic and reminiscent this week - losing something close to your heart has that effect on you. It makes you think of everything you have and don't have anymore. You get a sense of longing, as though you need to fill some empty space.

I broke out the yearbook and photo albums and just flipped through, thinking back to some of the best times of my life... and of course the most heartbreaking ones. I came across this one photo though that really caught my attention. In it I'm laughing, just with my friends doing nothing too special. But in the background is someone who is just watching our group. I don't mean in a creeper kind of way - It's almost like he's just curious or something. Like he's wondering what's so funny. Anyway, I don't recognize him at all. It makes me wonder how many people out there right now thinking of someone, and maybe that person doesn't even know it.

Sometimes we're so caught up in our own stuff that we just don't look around. Someone could be in love with you right now, or appreciate you because you changed their lives, or maybe is envious of you. Everyday we meet someone new, but we decide if that person will somehow become part of our lives - or just a background image in a photo. It's pure chance the people that enter our lives and the choices me make determine how big a role they will play. I've made some pretty shit head choices for sure, but I also made some AMAZING ones as well. I can never get over how truly blessed I am to have my small circle. Even in my deepest depression or darkest hour, they know how to pull me out. They erase the memory of the sucky choices, or at least the pain of it.

We all have people from our past that find a way to resurface in our minds every so often. And with them come bittersweet memories, anger or even hope. The only thing that really bums me out is thinking of the people that touched my world so briefly that I'll probably never have anything to do with again. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life. They have their purpose, even if it's not the same as our original intentions. I try not to regret any of my choices because they slowly define me. They teach me to be the kind of person I want to become or about creating the kind of love that'll make it all worth it. We all hope though that the people we think of are thinking of us too.

Where is Mei Mei?

Ahh, I'm here. I've just been off daydreaming for a couple of weeks, especially today. Wishful thinking even, maybe? Either way, I'm here - I've not gone into hiding. Not yet anyway. I think at some point in our lives, we're all due for a little "running away" action. I don't think we ever grow up from that notion. I'm not going to pack a teddy bear and join the circus or anything like that - although I'll admit, that would be pretty damn cool. And I still have trips to the Dominican Republic and the Bahamas to look forward to. No I'm being an adult about things... and focusing my current attentions on the bottle on wine sitting next to my laptop. Don't worry, I'm only a couple of glasses in... I won't admit to any more.

No, I'm here and probably not going anywhere for a while. Being an adult does not always afford that kind of luxury I guess. Tonight's distraction was yoga with a new instructor. I swear that woman has no bones because damn it, the body shouldn't bend like that! She actually came over to me and guided me into a couple of poses, and I'm proud to report I can do the sarvangasana (shoulder stand) now. Whoo hoo me. YES, whoo hoo me!!

But now I'm home and it's all too quiet. I'm not sad because it's Valentine's Day (yay for you lovers out there!) I just don't celebrate it anymore. Eight years ago my grandmother passed away on Vday. She was more than my grandmother, she was my mother. She saved me when I needed it the most - quite literally I might add. And on days when I still need saving, she's the first person I think of. I'm just sad today. I really miss her, I mean that's all this really is. I wish sometimes that we didn't cremate her because I just want there to be a place I can go to visit her. A place to lay still while I bullshit with her. I went to church today to light a candle, but it's not the same.

Missing her is not like missing the other people in my life. I miss people everyday. I wish I wasn't so busy so I could miss them less. I would hope we all have enough love in our lives that we have people we can miss. I miss my best friend who only lives 30 mins away, but our lives are so hectic that we don't get to see each other half as much as we should. I miss the first REAL important man in my life - my best guy friend who's probably in Japan right now or off having some other adventure. He's the one that shakes the silly notions out of my head and gives it to me straight. Thank God for modern technology because I literally see that man only once every other year. I miss my boys who have become my lifeline. Whoever said men and women can't be friends without sex complicating it, obviously never experienced an amazing friendship like ours. I miss my girls in a big bad way. We dance into the night without a care in the world and curse anyone who tries to bring us down. I miss the guy I'm kinda, sorta seeing. It may not be some epic love story, but I miss him still the same. But none of that compares to just how much I miss her. My heart literally breaks whenever I think of her. I wish I could remember where I heard this but: missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you've seen them or the amount of time since you've talked... It's about that very moment when you're doing something and wishing they were right there with you.

Tomorrow will be a better day. And tomorrow I'll be a much happier person. We're all allowed these moments, as long as we find a way to bounce back from them. I know even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise. But I still have to get through tonight.

And you say I'M a bad driver??

The road and I are NOT friends. I don't pretend that eventually it will love me, even if I do find solace with it. Street lights and stop signs do not like me, pot holes always find me, dead ends seem to be everywhere, side mirrors leap out at every turn (I only slightly swipe them), and those yellow lines zig zag on purpose teasing me. It doesn't take a genius to realize I'm the worst kind of driver. Welllll.... that's not true... I'm fantastic, assuming of course there are no other cars or silly things like people in my way. But let's face it, I'm from New York - so that's wishful thinking. Just like finding a rent controlled apartment on the upper east side or a parking spot in under five minutes near the bars. (I actually ROCK at parking!!) As a matter of fact, I'm actually quite a passive driver and have no issues with it taking me an hour to go only 10 miles. Oh, you wanna pass me? Go right ahead! I see you gunning up behind me - feel free to cut me off, no worries.

I never even had the desire to get a driver's license, not really. I'm a city gal through and through. This city, for all it's faults, has a pretty good mass transportation system. Straphangers may complain constantly, but at least it's 24 hours a day. Whenever I decide to wreck havoc on the lower east side now, I have to run drink in hand to catch the last train north at 2am or troop it out until 5:30. It wasn't until a couple of years ago when my boyfriend agreed to let me drive us home that I ever even considered learning. That fool. Yea, after only a few blocks me made me pull over and promised I would never touch the steering wheel again until I got my license. Yea, well who's laughing now?? New York state hands out driver's licenses like candy!

BUT just because my driving skills are lacking, that is no excuse for other people who have been driving for years. Someone needs to please explain to me why everyone I ride with tries to kill me! I've gotten much better about screaming out every time a truck inches towards me, ask my best friend - I've given her more than enough heart attacks over the years. I've worked it down to quiet gasps during which I seal my eyes shut. (Because we all know that when we close our eyes, it's like it's not happening. Think back to your childhood when you hid under the blankets - anything that wanted to kill us was gone instantly.) But I'm not talking about my own freak reactions here. Just over the past two weeks, TWO people have gone down a one way street IN THE WRONG DIRECTION. I mean, do I really annoy people that much that they are willing to risk their own lives to off me?? Don't answer that! The point being, there has to be some kind of bad driver aura I give out that other people absorb. What other explanation is there that I am constantly watching the headlines of an oncoming car bearing down on the passenger door.

So with that being said, I'm giving fair notice to all Westchester drivers... I fully plan on buying a car this Spring. How else am I going to tame the road? I guarantee you though, we WILL be best friends by summer's end.

When rags attack...

To say I'm quirky would be an understatement I'm quite sure! I'm very much aware of how left of center I am and, for the most part, am quick to accept that and move on. Others may need a second look and warm up to my randomness. Who wants to be ordinary anyway? What's so special about that??

Genes are a strong thing indeed because my baby girl is a carbon copy of me in almost every way. I'm not too sure how the rest of the world feels about there being two of me running around, but I think you're all pretty damn lucky! I quite often joke it's her father's curse - to never REALLY be rid of me completely : ) He'll be fine, don't feel that bad for him!!

But my daughter definitely embodies the "Mei Mei moment" mentality. Even in her dreams... lol. I normally catch her sneaking in and out of my bed at night and let her think I'm none the wiser. Last night though she was curled right up under my armpit. We laid quite contently this way all night. (On another completely separate note, I think she senses when I'm at my lowest emotionally because she was there right when I needed her last night. How can I ever stay blue too long when the gorgeous one is there to pick me up??)

When we woke up I asked her why she came to my bed. She told me "I had a nightmare about a rag." Of course confused, I asked "A rat?" "No a rag, mommy." Well who wouldn't be confused about this? So I asked her to tell me more about her dream. Basically the story goes as such:

"I had a nightmare about a rag. It was just there, like a ghost. I knew it would attack me, so I had to attack it first. But when I went to attack it, it attacked me! I ran outta there!!"

This may not seem like some big hilarity of the week to you... but come on, kitchen rags that attack?? And my baby girl being so brave to thwart it's evil plans with a preemptive strike? Hearing this story, in her super sleepy voice with her wide eyes totally made my morning.

I love that she's like me. As stated just the other day, I'm on my way to being a better me and if she takes away only the best of me... imagine just how awesome she'll be!! Sometimes it freaks me out to no end, but I want to believe that it's a beautiful thing. And at least now I know when I go for a drink in the middle of the night, she's got my back ; )

On my way to being a better me...

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not who I thought I'd be. Nothing about my life is how I envisioned it when I was younger. To say I was (am??) a nerd is an understatement to the extreme. I literally had my entire future mapped out, probably from infancy lol. I was an overachiever and always expected to excel at anything I tried - and normally did. Somewhere along the way though, I went astray and it all went downhill.

If any of us were to examine our dreams and ambitions from when we were kids, we'd realize none of it came true the way we wanted it to. I mean if I ended up with the job I wanted since I was a kid, I'd be a princess or marine biologist right now. It's not to say that these dreams aren't achievable, I just think all those hard knocks I got in my life made me more of a realist these days. Maybe too much??

I struggle on a daily basis to be a better person than I was the day before and almost always at the end of the day I realize I failed miserably at accomplishing that. I'm not being too hard on myself... I know I could do more. I keep asking myself "Am I the kind of person I want my daughter to be?" The answer is not yet...  not yet. *sigh*

Maybe I'm just sad today, maybe I only see the glass as half empty today. Maybe I do a better job of beating myself up than others ever could. And believe me... I've had my fair share of ego killers and heartbreaking let downs. I do know I want to be a better person and that I'm capable of that. I probably just need to stop thinking about it and do it already. I need to stop confessing my damn sins just to commit the same ones again a week later. I need to stop accepting the circumstances of life. I need to set this freaking bar higher than I have been - higher standards for myself, from others, from life. I should expect more, want MORE. And not feel like I'm being selfish about it. Stop feeling guilty that I believe I deserve more. Especially when it comes to the choices I make in my love life. God, especially THAT. But this rant is not just about a bruised heart. It's about ALL the relationships in my life. This is about that and all the pieces of me - the parts I hate, the parts I love; the parts that bind me, the parts that attempt to set me free; the parts I know are toxic and the parts that very well may save me from myself.

At what point in our lives did we suddenly decide it's over anyway?? It's like I've given up or settled. I'm 20 effing 8 years old. My life is far from over - so why am I mourning it's death already? I value myself so much more than I show to the world. I keep so much of me hidden. And if I can't project a person worthy of love or respect, who's going to give it to me? Who's going to know it's what I deserve? The whole little pity party thing is way played out and I decided I'm not attending that soiree anymore.

This is a big year for me - so many exciting things are happening. (And don't worry I'll share those incredible moments with you as they do.) The first being: Friday is the first day of my last semester in college. Ahhhhh, I know! So long overdue, but it's here. Imagine me: no longer the "professional student" ; ) That's only the beginning of my soon to be awesomeness - so definitely stay tuned. So with that being said, Friday is pretty much the first day of the rest of my life! Like I said before, I'm not who I thought I'd be... but I'm soooooooo on my way to being a better me.

xo